dabble-r

i am a dabble-r. i am very good at sticking the tips-of-my-toes in, but not fully immersing myself. this goes for about every single aspect of my life. i am a dabble-r in my marriage. i'm too selfish to completely give my whole self to my husband. i have an agenda, too, ya know. i have needs and wants and desires, too. not just him. i do too, darnit. so why totally give him my whole self when i need to take care of me, too? he hasn't given his whole self to fully take care of me, so i have to look out for myself in some way. right? i also dabble in my health situation. i so badly want to lose weight (i sound like a flipping broken record.. i think that is the gazillionth and one time i've said that in the last 5 years and it still hasn't happened), and be totally happy again. i don't want my daughter to have the self-image issues that i do, and don't want her to struggle the way i have. i get going really good with working out, drinking water, eating fruits and veggies, taking vitamins, and being really conscious about what goes in my mouth and how well i do in all areas regarding getting healthy. i lose a few pounds, feel super great, and then the dabbling rears its nasty head. i've skimmed enough, i've lost some weight, now it's time to hog-out and gain it all back. healthy, huh? yeah pretty much NOT. then i self-loathe and get all depressed because my dabbling didn't do me any good. why can't i just commit, get started, stay focused, and get this done? cuz i'm a dabble-r, that's why. it would take guts and courage to actually stay motivated, hit the gym every-single-day, not eat anything unhealthy, and attain my goals. being a mother is also where i dabble. not as much as everywhere else, but there are days when i say "ah, heck, i've dealt with the temper tantrums, poopy pants, screaming, crying, and everything-else-that-is-connected-with-being-the-mom-of-a-two-year-old... let her dad take care of her today". see... more dabbling. more often than not, though, my mommy role is a role that sees the least amount of dabbling. i take my job of raising my girl seriously. but i still dabble. my christian walk is another area that i dabble in, too. i get going with devotions, pray many times throughout the day, see changes that God is making in my life. yup, you guessed it. then it stops. why would i want to get too engrossed in all of that religious stuff, and actually feel great about my walk with my Father? why would i want to continue to receive his everlasting love and help in my marriage, my health issues, and my role as a mommy? my dabbling lifestyle comes back in to play, and the devotions stop, i pray when i go to bed, and everything else crumbles in to a pile around me. the fighting with my husband ensues, the weight comes back on and i can't stand myself for the millionth time in the last six months, and i feel like my daughter isn't as close to me as she is to her daddy. when will i ever learn to stop dabbling, stop skimming the surface, stop giving just part of myself, stop being so scared and so uncommitted? when will i fully immerse myself in every aspect, and just let God take over? that would answer all of my problems. when i don't dabble my marriage is usually great, i am successful with my health goals, and my girl and i get tons of snuggle-love time. but, when the dabble-r comes out again.... all the good stuff goes away, and i'm left asking myself "why did you do this to yourself again?!?!?" i'm ready to be a non-dabbler. but i just don't know how to not be one.