provide

my husband and i are very richly blessed. we are blessed beyond comprehension. when we first got married, we had a grand time going out and spending money racking up our credit cards buying stuff we didn't need, going out to dinner, and all kinds of other nonsense. then when we bought our house, we "needed" to buy things for the house to make it ours, and spent even more money we didn't have. it took a couple of years, but we got slammed. really hard, too. we are still paying for our stupid mistakes, and have learned a huge lesson. along with our stupid-ness, my husband and daughter haven't been the healthiest people, either. AT has had ER visit after ER visit, kidney stone surgery after kidney stone surgery, and other doctor's visits dealing with the like. our munchkin has had ear infection, ear infection, ear infection, hospital stay, ER visit, ER visit, ER visit, bronchitis, asthma, tubes, fever after fever, you get the drift. i got braces put on, and have had some other issues dealing with the medical side of things, too. so, all of this combined led to us being seriously, dangerously in debt. we didn't realize how many medical bills we had and how much money we owed everyone until the bills started flowing in. and we couldn't pay them because of our credit card debt. so we broke down, did credit counseling, and our cards will be taken care of in the next 2 1/2 years. now we are working on getting all of the medical bills paid off. so many of them have been sent to collections it's not even funny (stace, i know you feel me on the medical side.... in a more major way than we have dealt with, too). then our bathroom decided to grow mold and mildew, and we need that redone because it can't be safe for any of us.... especially our little princess who has severe allergies (we've been bleaching down the mold, so it has been staying away, but the mildew is still there). did i mention that our roof blew off in last february, our heat pump quit working two years ago and we needed a new one, and our one dog who we no longer have destroyed the carpet and most of the doors in the house... so we had to have new carpet put in, too? a little overwhelming, huh? it seems like we have been hit. hard. really really hard. when i think about it all, i get choked up because it seems like one bad thing after another happens. we were going to use our income tax check last year to get the bathroom done. then we ended up having to spend almost half of that to get the sewer lines cleaned out because they were spewing raw sewage in to our yard this past summer. now we have to wait until this IRS check to get the bathroom done. we also need a new fridge because ours is as old as the hills and it leaks some kind of light green goo.

amidst all of this crap, we have never failed to see how God's hand provides for His children. my husband's mom and step dad have given us a lot of money (new heat pump, money for the kid, dance class for the kid). and, my parents have been helping us in a major way, too. they are helping send our precious girl to her new school because they knew how badly we wanted to get her out of her last babysitters. they also just called today and said that our christmas and birthday presents would consist of a new fridge. i am excited beyond belief. and so thankful. God has also provided me with two extra jobs to help make ends meet, and my husband also got put on a team this year that will make him $200 extra/month. we are trying our to get ourselves out of our hole.... and it's slowly happening. and we are slowly seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. but, in our most desperate, frustrating times, we have never failed to see His hand.... guiding, protecting, and providing for us. He is amazing.

you know.....

..... you're the mother of a toddler when you receive an email with the subject being "diapers, poop, and rashes".


and i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. ever.

home.sick.

it was a hard weekend. my parents and brother came down from PA on thursday for a visit. they left today. i'm very, very close with my mom, and we like to do a lot of things together. every once in a while when they come here and leave, or we go there and leave, i get extremely emotional. it is so stinking hard having them so far away. a 5-6 hour drive doesn't seem like it would be so bad, it is hard to do it on a regular weekend. we usually even end up getting up to PA almost every single month, but it doesn't seem like enough. i also really love, love, love the town where my parents live, and would love ot live there. i have some other circumstances here that make the distance even more difficult. the circumstances down here that make me even more homesick are the fact that i can't find a church to really settle in to, i can't really stand any of the girls that i work with because they all stab people in the back so badly, i am not too fond of the town and how it is set up and that is is SO FAR away from everything, and i don't have any real friends down here. soo.... now it is obvious as to why i really struggle with living here, and with my parents being so far away.

when we moved down here, it was basically an agreement between us that we were not planning on staying here for the rest of our lives. however, we haven't had the money to move, and we made some silly decisions by moving out of our apartment and in to a crazy woman's house, which in turn encouraged us to buy a house. so now we are basically stuck until we can sell our house. so i am hoping that we will eventually get to move closer to our families.

one thing that really encouraged me today was talking to one of my friends, becky, from college. she knows that i am having a rough time, and gave me a new, amazing perspective of our situation. she told me that God really knows my heart, and knows that i will not be happy living this far away from our families for the rest of my life. she also agrees that given my circumstances that i mentioned above that it would basically be impossible to be happy and content living here. she also said that maybe it is God's purpose to not let me get too attached to anyone or anything down here because when we do move, then it won't be difficult for me to pick our things up and just go. which is soooo true. it won't affect me in the least to pick up, and get the heck out of here. i could find out tomorrow that we are moving, and i wouldn't shed a tear. this point of view has really comforted me, and has really made me think about our situation. i can see that as being a totally legit explanation because i have never been totally 100% truly happy here. i'm the type of person that needs my family around, and needs to be around people that love and care for me. that isn't the situation here, and it's very trying. so now i have a new focus, and i am trusting the Lord to lead us in the direction He wants us to go in within the next couple of years. the possibilities are exciting, and it will be fun to see what road He decides to lead us down. keeping a positive attitude during the holidays is going to be hard because that is my most favorite time to be where my parents live, but i know something better is in store for us down the road. i just have to be patient, and trust Him.

"Our Father....

Who Art in Heaven Howard be Thy Name"


This is how one of my children said the Lord's Prayer today... and I had to really work hard to hold back my chuckle. Like, hard hard hard.

dabble-r

i am a dabble-r. i am very good at sticking the tips-of-my-toes in, but not fully immersing myself. this goes for about every single aspect of my life. i am a dabble-r in my marriage. i'm too selfish to completely give my whole self to my husband. i have an agenda, too, ya know. i have needs and wants and desires, too. not just him. i do too, darnit. so why totally give him my whole self when i need to take care of me, too? he hasn't given his whole self to fully take care of me, so i have to look out for myself in some way. right? i also dabble in my health situation. i so badly want to lose weight (i sound like a flipping broken record.. i think that is the gazillionth and one time i've said that in the last 5 years and it still hasn't happened), and be totally happy again. i don't want my daughter to have the self-image issues that i do, and don't want her to struggle the way i have. i get going really good with working out, drinking water, eating fruits and veggies, taking vitamins, and being really conscious about what goes in my mouth and how well i do in all areas regarding getting healthy. i lose a few pounds, feel super great, and then the dabbling rears its nasty head. i've skimmed enough, i've lost some weight, now it's time to hog-out and gain it all back. healthy, huh? yeah pretty much NOT. then i self-loathe and get all depressed because my dabbling didn't do me any good. why can't i just commit, get started, stay focused, and get this done? cuz i'm a dabble-r, that's why. it would take guts and courage to actually stay motivated, hit the gym every-single-day, not eat anything unhealthy, and attain my goals. being a mother is also where i dabble. not as much as everywhere else, but there are days when i say "ah, heck, i've dealt with the temper tantrums, poopy pants, screaming, crying, and everything-else-that-is-connected-with-being-the-mom-of-a-two-year-old... let her dad take care of her today". see... more dabbling. more often than not, though, my mommy role is a role that sees the least amount of dabbling. i take my job of raising my girl seriously. but i still dabble. my christian walk is another area that i dabble in, too. i get going with devotions, pray many times throughout the day, see changes that God is making in my life. yup, you guessed it. then it stops. why would i want to get too engrossed in all of that religious stuff, and actually feel great about my walk with my Father? why would i want to continue to receive his everlasting love and help in my marriage, my health issues, and my role as a mommy? my dabbling lifestyle comes back in to play, and the devotions stop, i pray when i go to bed, and everything else crumbles in to a pile around me. the fighting with my husband ensues, the weight comes back on and i can't stand myself for the millionth time in the last six months, and i feel like my daughter isn't as close to me as she is to her daddy. when will i ever learn to stop dabbling, stop skimming the surface, stop giving just part of myself, stop being so scared and so uncommitted? when will i fully immerse myself in every aspect, and just let God take over? that would answer all of my problems. when i don't dabble my marriage is usually great, i am successful with my health goals, and my girl and i get tons of snuggle-love time. but, when the dabble-r comes out again.... all the good stuff goes away, and i'm left asking myself "why did you do this to yourself again?!?!?" i'm ready to be a non-dabbler. but i just don't know how to not be one.